dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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