Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Say something about gay babies.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize