I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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