I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
