I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
