This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
