I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
