I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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