Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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