Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
