If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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