I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
