You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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