I feel great
I just peed on a car
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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