I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
