it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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