apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
