She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
