And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
