Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
