Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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