My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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