Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
