I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
