he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Life is so much better after having sex.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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