I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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