he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize