after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
3pm strippers are depressing
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
