Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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