The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
