I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
