Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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