I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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