all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
