R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
