I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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