About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
