when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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