speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
