I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
