I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
