so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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