Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize