If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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