I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
