I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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