Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize