3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
