): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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