I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
someone owes me an orgasm
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
40s are totally the cure
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
