I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
