Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
