she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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