Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
