this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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