When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
