90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
