The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
