Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
