my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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