Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
