i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
