I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize