I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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