I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
