The maid of honor just puked.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
