: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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