Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
